A Rough Transition

As anxious as I've been to process my experience in Cambodia, there is simply no time. I've arrived in Chicago only to be swept up in a chaotic wind of responsibitlies and never-ending "to do lists." Three days remain until I start my new job, and I have yet to have some time to rest. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, and I'm beginning to be increasingly more irritated/frustrated by/with everything around me.

In the midst of the whirlwind, however, there have been some amazing occurrences. For one, I bought a new car - used, but new to me. This had been a topic of prayer for a while, and God provided in an amazing (quite rushed) way. Basically, I heard about it on Wednesday night, had to decide by Thursday-Friday whether or not I wanted it, and then Saturday was flown to Houston, Texas (for free) to buy it, and then drove it back (with good company, of course.) And, while there, I had the rare opportunity (rare because I wouldn't have had the funds otherwise) to visit Rachel's family, to see her room, pictures, memories. On the way back home, I was able to stop at the mile marker where her accident occurred, and pulled off to the shoulder for some meaningful silence.

And, as broke as I've been since my return, the Lord keeps providing money. It's unbelievable. I eat for free, my mom makes me food and gives me a bunch, two people gave me gas money to drive my car back from Texas (and food money for the trip)...the provisions have been overwhelming.

Lastly, I put up an ad for a roommate. As soon as I began to worry, I found a roommate who seems to be right for the part. I asked her to move in closer to September, however, just so that I may have time to, firstly, get used to the idea of a roommate who is not Rachel, and secondly, to have some time to myself to catch up with life.

I have to go now, but I will continue the posts, as I hope to process my trip with all this blog's readers.

In Memory of Rachel Ann Griego, May 29, 1983 - July 23, 2005

Held
Performed by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let [her] go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from [her] mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Silence in a Difficult Time

Just wanted to let everyone know that I intend to continue processing the end of my trip, the transition home, the lessons learned, etc. I'm working on some special posts, however there are some difficult issues keeping me from posting on a regular basis.

I didn't think it appropriate at the time, but I will share the following with you at this time.

A week before I came home (around the time I stopped posting blogs), I learned the devastating news that my roommate of one year (in an apartment of 6 girls), Rachel Ann Griego, (and the same girl who was to share an apartment with me once I returned home) died in a car accident on her way from Texas to Illinois. There are many things to grapple with as I try to deal with the loss, process my trip, execute my move, readjust to the States, etc.

Much prayer would be greatly appreciated.

Please pray specifically for Rachel's family, her cousin Jill, and all her loved ones.
Please pray that I will find a roommate before September 1st.

I hope you will return to these pages for my remaining thoughts on Cambodia.

Cambodia in Pictures

Palm trees as seen from the bus on the way to Siem Reap.

A man climbing a coconut tree, knife attached to rope.

My little host sister sheepishly putting her hand up my pants. Curiosity?

A little naked boy hanging out on a hot day.

Neighbors trying to cheer up a crying baby.

Physically disabled children on Physical Therapy day.

A little girl is curious about the white girl sitting on a bench.

Poetry From The Slums

You know how I said I'd tell you what I was thinking later? Well, I think it'll have to be much later. To kill the suspense, I was thinking about spiritual discipline.

Here's something else.

Just wanted to share some passages that encouraged me over the last five weeks...
I inititally wanted to post them in my favorite translation, ESV, but I've been reading them in the NLT. Right before I left, I received this tiny translation as a gift (thanks Linda!), and I decided that, for packing reasons, I should bring it along instead of my NKJV. The translation has been very helpful here in the slums, stating things in a very basic, non-complicated way. I've been very inspired by it, and I would like to share some with you.

Psalm 3:5
⁵ I lay down and slept.
I woke up in safety,
for the LORD was watching over me.

Psalm 4:6-8

⁶ Many people say, "Who will show us better times?"
Let the smile of your face shine on us, LORD.

⁷ You have given me greater joy
than those who have abundant harvests of grain and wine.

⁸ I will lie down in peace and sleep,
for you alone, O LORD, will keep me safe.

Psalm 9:9-10
⁹ The LORD is a shelter for the oppressed,
a refuge in times of trouble.

¹⁰ Those who know your name trust in you,
for you, O LORD, have never abandoned anyone who searches for you.

Psalm 10:16-18

¹⁶ The LORD is king forever and ever!
Let those who worship other gods be swept from the land.

¹⁷ LORD, you know the hopes of the helpless.
Surely you will listen to their cries and comfort them.

¹⁸ You will bring justice to the orphans and the oppressed,
so people can no longer terrify them.

Psalm 16:8-9

⁸ I know the LORD is always with me.
I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

⁹ No wonder my heart is filled with joy,
and my mouth shouts his praises!
My body rests in safety.

Psalm 27:3

³ Though a mighty army surrounds me,
my heart will know no fear. Even if they attack me,
I remain confident.

Psalm 28:6-7

⁶ Praise the LORD!
For he has heard my cry for mercy.

⁷ The LORD is my strength, my shield from every danger.
I trust in him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.
I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

Back to Phnom Penh

When I land in Chicago on Thursday, July 28, 2005, I will probably feel similar to the way I felt when the bus arrived at "Psah Tmay" (The Central Market) in Phnom Penh. We got off the bus and the moto drivers, although quite excited about the incoming prospective clients, were very nice and friendly and didn't hassle us at all. For a split second, I even wanted to hug them.

Our arrival home was nice, our family and neighbors were very excited to see us, and that made us feel extra special. Even the alley on our way home looked friendlier than ever! The very depressed looking dog (baptized "Cheerful" by Sheerah) was around, and I even felt happy to see her (although her affect was unchanged). We spent the rest of our time giving a few gifts to our family, things we bought but didn't need, things we bought because the children selling those things were quite the tenacious business (little) people. But our family (and one neighbor) were quite excited to receive their flutes, purses, and some makeup, which I brought from the States with the intention of giving it away to the girls here.

Tuesday was back to the calm reality of every day life in Phnom Penh. Our team meeting was extremely invigorating, as we visited a place called "The Potter's House" which is a mini retreat center (a foreigner's front and back yard, equipped with hammocks, benches, cement huts, and grassy/flowery/banana tree/papaya tree areas to relax. We spent some time in prayer, and I also spent a lot of my time thinking. About what, you ask? Well, I will tell you in the next entry, as I must go eat lunch and then attend a video viewing of the wedding we attended weeks back.

Our Little Vacation

After looking at about 4-5 hotels, we finally settled at the Siem Reap Riverside Guesthouse. The little hotel was set back from the road with maroon stones in front and a little terrace to one side. The terrace had three tables with wooden chairs and a palm leaf roof. There were Christmas lights strung along in various places, and I soon began to feel like I was at some tropical resort. (That feeling quickly subsided when one looked across the street at the polluted, brown river.) The three-story house had a "rooftop restaurant" which actually meant that you can order food to come to the roof and you can choose one of the two tables and plastic chairs and enjoy the meal up there. It was quite pleasant, actually, especially in the evenings when there was a breeze, the sun was setting, and lightning played across the sky in the far distance.

For $15 a night we were able to get AC, hot water, and cable TV. They all had a special place in my heart over the weekend. For example, the AC was a nice relief from the sweaty nights we often experience in the slums. I slept really well that first night. (My cough got worse over the nest two nights so sleeping wasn't quite as pleasant.) The hot shower allowed me to scrub off some of the dirt that has been accumulating on my body over the last five weeks. The cable TV gave all three of us a nice escape when we had absolutely nothing to do.

Although I enjoyed this trip very much, I must say that I was quite (internally) conflicted. For one, I was a tourist/foreigner, but I didn't quite fit the description. Althought I was coming to see the temples, as many others from around the world were, I had this other little experience on my record. I actually had been living among the Khmer people for the last 5 weeks, so I felt very torn. Was I a foreigner? Was I a "local" compared to some of the other tourists? It was a terribly strange feeling to go from slum life to hotel life. I didn't feel 100% comfortable. It was also strange not to be known in this small town. Once again people were staring, etc. I actually had an interesting mini crisis on Friday afternoon. We had arrived in Siem Reap and, after unpacking, went to get lunch. At the restaurant I suddenly felt very far from home, from all three homes...that is, from my home in Wheaton, from my home in Phnom Penh, and lastly from my temporary home at the Riverside Guesthouse. I felt so lonely (despite my company) and utterly unknown. Each day I was there I had a fever (Tylenol helped to chase each day's fever away), and I couldn't help but want my Mommy and the company of those I love. And TheraFlu.

On Saturday, we experienced the magnificent beauty of the temples. The first temple we visited was Angkor Wat, which is the most popular one. Now, when one goes to Cambodia to see ancient temples, especially Angkor Wat, one must have the following: camera and lots of film (unless you have a digital camera, like Mic, who has the best one in the world). I definitely had a camera, and 5 rolls of film, 36 exposures each. And I was snapping away until the worst possible thing happened. The batteries went dead. Now, I'm in the most amazing temple on the face of this planet (at least that's what I'm thinking then), and the batteries run out. To make things worse, they're not AA batteries, they're not AAA, but they're some random number that I even had trouble finding in the states (at one store). But, you can find anything in Cambodia, and folks, this story has a happy ending. A young boy was selling batteries outside the temple, and happened to have two of the ones I needed. Phew! I was able to get some and continue with the picture taking for the rest of my trip.

Once again I must leave you with this much of the story and plan to continue the rest another day.

Thanks for reading...may you gain something special from this amazing experience that I've been blessed with.

Preparing for Siem Reap

Perhaps I will start this entry by describing the thunderstorm we experienced (early) Friday morning, while still in bed.

As I've mentioned before, I haven't been sleeping very well lately. I hoped that Thursday night would be different, as we'd wake up at 5am the following morning to get ready for our trip, however, I woke up at about 2am and couldn't fall asleep. Among many thoughts, I began to wonder about bipolar patients who often cycle between mania and depression and continued to imagine just how difficult it would be to be awake for several days in a row, to be restless, to have no peace, only to then drop into a deep state of depression.

Around 3:45am I could hear a storm brewing far into the distance, slowly approaching our village. Rain began falling at about 4:15 and continued to increase into a frightening storm with incredible lighting and house-on-stilts-shaking thunder. The sound of the rain was intensified by our tin roof, and I couldn't help but feel very afraid. As the storm progressed, I began to feel raindrops on my face. I realized that some of the rain was coming in through the cracks, so I retreated to the lower half of my mattress and covered my whole body with my sheet. It was such a beautiful experience. Being frightened by this storm while in awe of it's beauty made me think of humans in the presence of God. How mighty He is, and how much greater than a storm. Although I can become very afraid by the loud thunder, I'm always paralyzed...to watch, listen, to absorb its beauty...I can never fall asleep during a storm because it's so magnificent...I can't get enough. Whenever I'm in the presence of a storm I have these conflicting feelings - be afraid, close the windows, and hide. Or. Be afraid, open the door, and watch, heart pounding and all. I choose the latter.

The storm had ended by 5:45am when we met Seray outside. The village was a peaceful shade of orange, as the sun was beginning to rise behind the ominous clouds in the far distance. Some village women walked us to the road and insisted that we wear long sleeves. I initially thought...because of mosquitoes in the province. But when we had Seray translate, it was quite funny to learn that they were concerned about our arms getting "black." They said we should try to stay "white," and so it was their turn to laugh when we said we wanted to get a tan.

Our ride to Siem Reap was enjoyable, and I greatly enjoyed my window seat where I got to see the following things: rice fields, workers in rice fields, different villages...I really should've made a list, there were some interesting things that I don't quite remember now.

Anyway, our arrival was actually quite disturbing. It depends, actually. Had we been in a larger group - maybe a group that included some guys - the following experience might have actually been quite humorous. But given the circumstances, it was a bit frightening.

We arrived at the bus station and we could see about 100 moto and tuktuk(small carriage pulled by moto) drivers, most of which were holding signs for various hotels indicating prices for rides to that hotel. Some drivers had huge signs that said something like, "I'm a friendly, honest tuktuk driver. I will not hassle you." They were all behind a rope, and there were about 4 police officers with sticks shooing them back. Anyway, I thought I made eye contact with this guy who had a sign displaying the hotel we wanted to check out...so I go up to him, and he says $1. We're like...ok, so we start walking with him. But then we see some drivers offering rides for 100 riel (4000 riel in a dollar), and we begin to wonder...is this guy trying to rip us off? We asked how far the drive was, and when the other tuktuk drivers began to sense that we were starting to question this guy, they all swarmed around us like manic bees around the last pollinated flower on earth and started yelling things at us, like, "Pick me" "Lady, over here" etc. Anyway, we couldn't get away from them, nor could we communicate with them due to the surrounding chaos. At some point one of the police officers started hitting some of them with a stick, and the three of us were no longer together but each had a group of drivers surrounding us on all sides. We somehow managed to pick one, but man...that was NOT a friendly welcome. We were in some amount of shock for the remainder of the day.

I'll end this entry here. The rest will come in the next day or so, as there is a lot to tell :)

Pray for my cough, it's been really bad lately.

Sickness

If this sore throat is a sign of a cold to come, I don't want it! Please pray for my health, especially since I have a lot of important things that I need to healthy for. I don't want to be in bed for my last two weeks here...not even for one day.

I'm doing well, other than the sore throat.

Well, I haven't been sleeping much. Not sure what it is, but I wake up in the middle of the night and feel wide awake. It takes me more than one hour to go back to sleep, and when I finally get back to sleep, I awaken at various times throughout the night for no particular reason...although, that rooster!

There's a rooster that crows at the most inopportune times! For example, last night he began crowing at 11:30 pm. One night (or morning?) he was crowing by 2:10am (my watch is right next to me when I sleep so I check). He usually starts crowing non-stop by 4am, and it sounds like he's next to the window! I would really like to hurt him, but I think it's best that I don't know where he lives. Anyway, please pray that I stop hearing him before I cook him :)

What else? Sheerah and I, along with Serey (our local friend who speaks English) are going to Siem Reap (another province about 6 hours away) to see the ancient temples and whatever else is there. Please pray for our safety - Sheerah and I will begin taking our Malaria pills tonight. We leave Friday morning by bus and return Sunday afternoon.

Those of you I know and love, I miss very much.
many hugs...

Pictures!

This is my favorite picture, ever!! The little baby is the best thing here - he is sooo cute, and I love holding him...except when he goes #1 on me. His mother watches as he plays with one of the little melons my host mom sells (I can't stop eating them, they're incredible!)












The newly built roof of the new TASK center from which all children's projects (currently located in various places) will be based.












A shot of the Royal Palace (where the king and queen live). They tried to charge me $2 to bring in a camera. I brought it anyway without paying, and no one checked. What a ripoff!















Another shot of various buildings in the Royal Court. Since I snuck my camera in, I was slightly paranoid that I was being watched.

More Pictures!

(Left) The dung beetle I eventually chewed and partly swallowed. Sheerah is behind me looking quite... surprised? Nah, she ate one, too.


(Right)This picture was taken on our picnic. This little girl's mom has HIV, I think. The little girl was quite cranky, so she found some quiet time in this hammock.

P.S.

The blog is now adjusted so that ANYONE can post a comment without having to create a blog - sorry to those of you who went through that hassle so that you may post a comment - I didn't know it was in the settings.

Lessons

I'm ok! Some of you have expressed concern about my lack of entries over the last few days. Well, here's why.

I have finally begun teaching counseling to the staff that works with children who have lost one or both parents to HIV. I have been extremely busy trying to put together the lessons, and I haven't had much time to write in the blog or answer e-mails. I enjoy being busy, but now I'm glad that I have time to catch up with everyone.

Teaching is so incredibly exciting, but also incredibly frustrating. It's exciting to be part of such an amazing experience, to be able to equip these people with the knowledge they need in order to care for others. It's frustrating because the need is so HUGE, and I only have 3 more week (5 lessons.) There is also the issue of culture. Their thinking differs in a significant way from Western thinking, and most counseling books I look at were published in the West. Most research I look at was conducted in the West. Anyway, it's also difficult because they don't have a lot of knowledge about counseling - they think "counseling" is equivalent to giving advice. Also, they have a hard time recognizing the importance of "restatements" and "reflection of feeling" and overall, listening skills, because they think in the following way: "If someone comes to me with a problem, I have to solve it." After presenting to them four important tasks that children/adolescents need to work through in the grieving process, they said, "These concept are very difficult. We usually tell them it's going to be ok." So, I have a lot of work to do, and I need a LOT of guidance from above. I wish I could transfer the counseling file in my head with the click of a mouse. On the plus side, though, they are astonishingly full of empathy and compassion. When I presented verbal/non-verbal listening skills, they were familiar with most of them. They also use a lot of touch when they counsel, and from the role-plays we did in class, I can see just how easily they can build a relationship with the children/adolescents.

I'll keep you posted as I continue to teach next week.

Well, since I didn't write in the blog for a while, and a lot of you were anxiously awaiting an entry, I decided to make it up to you by putting up some pictures. If the pictures don't show up as you look over all the entries, please click on each entry on the right to see them. I started with "Backtracking - Day One" and added pictures. Not all the entries have pics, so you'll have to find them. I will also go into my profile and see if I can get them to show up on the front page - and I'll post up more pics, as well...ok, it seems like they're showing up.

Thanks for the prayers - please keep us lifted up.

A Moment, New Faces, New Friends

This entry has the potential of being quite lengthy, so be warned.

I want to tell you about this incredible moment I had on Saturday, but it's very difficult to explain and put into words - it definitely felt like something beyond words.

Sheerah and I spent most of our day at a coffee shop, reading. We embarked on our journey quite early, and arrived there a little before 9am. We got situated at a table for two in two comfy, cushioned chairs made out of twigs/straw - very islandish. After ordering some coffee, we began reading the material we brought along. Mine is a book called "The Story We Find Ourselves In" by Brian D. McLaren. Before page 4, my eyes began to tear up - it was already promising to be a good book. Anyway, I read through about 8 chapters, and then I had this moment. I think it was related to the reading, but I think it had been coming for weeks. I felt all chocked up and couldn't really get rid of the knot in my throat. Perhaps the best way to describe the moment would be to say that it was a moment of intense love, peace, understanding...a moment of complete and utter beauty. But it's not a naive, empty beauty - it was an indescribable beauty that was only intensified when juxtaposed to the dirt and poverty and hungry beggars in this place, with the pollution, the corruption, the garbage, the bad smell.

It was beauty in pain, beauty in art, beauty in nature, beauty in people (bad and good). Sidenote: I already feel like deleting this entry because it doesn't quite seem to do justice to what I felt, but let me keep going and use an example.

A couple days ago I became aware of the fact that my host mother doesn't quite spend her money in the best way. After one week, she was already asking (Craig, not us, as he receives the money from us and gives it to them...that way they won't come to us for $) for more money and requesting that the whole amount (not payments) be given her. Anyway, I noticed that she gives her the youngest daughter money all the time (for snacks) and that the other day she bought the little girl these tiny, red polka-dot high-heeled shoes. My first instinct was to think...ok, she'll ruin those shoes in a week (if not sooner)...that money was definitely not spent wisely.

Well, in my "moment" I was simply able to see the pure beauty in the sacrifice that a mother with little money makes to buy her child something that will absolutely rock her world (Thai, the little girl, wore the shoes in church on Sunday - everyone leaves their shoes at the door.) So yes, I was free of criticism and "shoulds" and "musts" and all that. I was free to see the beauty and the love in all these random acts.

Ok, so that was my moment. I hope you were able to share in it, in some way.

Sunday. Sheerah and I had plans to spend some time together and talk about experiences and such, so we went to another cafe where we could have some privacy, coffee, and fresh air. The cafe was packed, so we sat at a table with 4 seats (on the patio) where one man was finishing his coffee. He left soon after our arrival, and we enjoyed an awesome...well, many...discussion about our adjustment, hard questions that we're struggling with, our hopes for the future, our doubts about the future, etc. While we were talking, an Indian couple walked unto the patio of the cafe where we were seated. As they were standing right in front of our table searching for seats, we told them they could join us. They were delighted, and quickly told us that they had a few more friends who were joining them. Soon, there were 5 people sitting with us at the table. Warmth emanated from all of them, and a conversation was quickly sparked as they began to ask us about the purpose of our trip and all those other good things. We told them our story and got to hear theirs. Our new friends.
One of them is the Executive Chef at the Hotel Intercontinental in Phnom Penh. The other 4 were his friends who had just arrived two days prior to Sunday. We shared our experience with them, and we quickly began to discuss poverty. They were so eager to help!! It was quite interesting how 3 weeks here made me answer a lot of questions differently. Before June 13th, I would have been asking some of the same questions...Can you give them money? Can you buy them something? How about a big sack of rice? Can you open a bank account for them? Can you put the children through school?

We were also priviledged to hear how the EC is part of this project that takes youth/children who pick rubbish from garbage dumps and teaches them to cook. They then have the necessary skills to be employed by hotels, etc. So amazing! We also touched on their experience of Cambodia (being picked up in a Toyota Camry at the airport, being taken to the hotel where they've been having amazing food) and our experience (slums, cockroaches, mosquito bites.) It was so good for all of us to sit together and talk about these things. We talked for a long time and the evening ended with the generous gesture on their behalf to pay for our coffee. We actually exchanged numbers...if they have a chance, they will come see the slums. When we have some time, we'll take Michael and Erine (Eh-ruh-nah) and go have a meal at the hotel.

But the time with them was so incredible! I felt this amazing bond with them...we even took pictures together. They weren't even young...they were all over 40, maybe one in late 30s.

I must wrap things up and head on home for dinner.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. I start counseling lessons on Wednesday. Although I've been prepating mentally for a long time, I will now need to really think about a concrete beginning and end to the lesson on Thursday (I have the one for Wednesday ready.)

Also, mosquitoes have awakened. Sheerah has over 50 bites on her (she circled them all with a red pen). I haven't counted mine, but I think they like me less.

Lastly, I'm starting to think about the future and possible options/call/etc. I need guidance :)

May you be blessed!

Counting Down

The thought of less than four weeks here made me somewhat sad today. The time passes by so quickly and just as I am beginning to get adjusted, I will have to return home and readjust there as well. I haven't mentioned that beginning this past week Sheerah and I began to take Khmer lessons. We had our second one on Friday, and I felt like the whole world was somewhat brighter! I went home and practied, and I felt completely free in my slightly improved ability to communicate. My family was only somewhat impressed (they're probably tired of us trying all the time), but I couldn't have been happier.

Sheerah and I used this morning to read at a cafe nearby. I had a wonderful time reflecting on my time here and the possibilities that my future will bring. I would love to share some of those with you, but I will leave that for tomorrow as I am short on time.

May God give you all a fresh prespective as you look at all the things around you...
May you notice the beauty in every corner...

Slightly Under the Weather

I haven't been feeling very well these last couple days. Nothing to worry about, just a weak stomach, I'm a little lightheaded, and I'm really tired. The heat, especially today, made me feel so drained. I think I lost weight since I've been here, but I'm not too worried as there will be plenty of opportunities to gain it back upon my return :)

Things have been quiet around here. The mosquitoes are beginning to give up on us, so that's encouraging. We have a whole pre-bedtime system that starts at sundown. We put up the nets early, we spray the room with mosq. repellant, we use the deet, the electric raquet...anything else? Oh, and we turn on the light as soon as it gets dark.

I think I've reached the point where I can say that I feel adjusted...to most things. I still don't like using the toilet at night, especially in the middle of the night. But everything else seems to be just fine, especially food, shower, transportation, etc. There has been one thing that hasn't changed, and it is the following:

Whenever we walk down the street with our moto helmets, we always have moto drivers pull up next to us to see if we need a moto. Although that CAN be nice, it's really starting to be too much. Sometimes my head feels like it's about to fall off as I violently shake it to indicate, "No." I'm trying to think of new techniques to avoid them each day, but the lack of eye contact just isn't enough. Today I had a moto driver pull up to the wagon that I was on - both in motion - and asked me if I needed a moto. Hm.

Well, I'll end here today as I don't have much energy to write about anything else.

Please pray that I will regain my energy and have my health restored.
Plus, it can be a little difficult at times to sort through thoughts and emotions...I would like clarity in that area...

Doing Better!

I would absolutely
love to describe the wedding I went to in detail, but I don't have a whole lot of time for that. So I'll mainly list the highlights...The wedding lasts all day with the morning being spent with family and the evening at the reception hall. The bride changes into a different outfit every hour...the guest leave right after they eat, unless they want to stay around for the dancing that follows. We had lots of amazing food, but as we were told later, this was one of the pricier weddings; the food is usually bad.

On a different note, I felt better on Monday about the whole adjustment to the neighborhood women. I sat outside for a long time and really enjoyed snacking with them, watching them prepare dinner (they usually don't let me help because they say "it's easy.") We had a new friend of ours come by and visit us in the evening, and that was a pleasant surprise. She speaks more English than most people here, but she's not quite fluent, so we laugh a lot trying to understand each other.

Today we had another one of our team lunches (every Tuesday). It was very refreshing and I enjoyed every moment of it...Craig and Nay, if you're reading this, I'm not trying to impress you...it really was, hehe. But yes, we discussed an article we read on Bonhoeffer (Jack, 2005) and it was so interesting to learn so much about the powerful way in which he lived his life.

Updates? I'm adjusting to the rice. We've been getting bread in the morning, so having rice only twice daily is not so bad. Plus, rice at 6:30am is just a whole other story. Anyway, please keep me in your prayers for the following things:

1. I'm easily frustrated by increasingly more things. I don't want to be so easily irritated.
2. I reviewed some of my counseling books...I now need to start putting everything together.
3. As some of you know, our (roommates + me) had to get three subleasers for our apartment. One of the roommates is still there, and although one of the subleasers is great, the other two aren't. They're friends, both 22, and have boyfriends who are anywhere between 40 and 50yrs. old. We obviously didn't know this before allowing them to move in. My roommate who is still there is growing increasingly more uncomfortable, and I am slightly worried, as all my things are there, including the furniture that the girl who is subleasing my room is using. She moved in before she was supposed to, and from what it looks like, has no intention to pay for the other days. Please pray for the safety of the roommates who are there, that the Lord will protect all my belongings, and that the girl who is in my room will pay me back.
Blessings!

A Better Day

My desire to spend as much time away from home was very strong yesterday. I realized that this desire was stemming from the increasing frustration I have with my inability to speak the language. I'll come home and all the women are sitting outside, I'll greet them, and then I'll just sit on the bench in silence. Although silence was nice at the beginning when I was a careful observer, I want to talk about things now. I want to have conversations, tell them where I just came from and what I did, where I'm going, and I want to understand why they're laughing and what they talk about.

So I finally went home yesterday at about 4 (from a day out on the town with Sheerah). I did my laundry (the grandma helped), and I felt a little better as I felt close to her while working on the same task. She then went to cook dinner, and I went with her. I watched her at first, but I soon began to peal potatoes and help. It appeared that she enjoyed the company, so I stuck around. When there was nothing left for me to do, I went outside and, instead of sitting on the bench, I decided to play with a little girl. She was trying to teach me a game, and I was trying to teach her another, and before I knew it there were 4 more little girls around me, all trying to grab my hands and play games. I got up and began to pick them up and swing them around, and we were suddently joined by 5 more children. We spent the next half our chasing each other around the neighborhood. They were screaming their lungs out as I was chasing them, and I was begging to wonder if we were disturbing anyone. But, seeing how people blast their TVs beginning at 6am and keep them loud as late at 10pm, I decided that children screaming in the afternoon hours might just be ok.

So, in conclusion, I felt much better yesterday.

The day only got much better as we told out family that we were invited to a wedding. If you're invited to a wedding here, it's very similar to being invited to prom in the US. Girls buy/make/rent dresses, they get their hair and makeup done, etc. It's like going to a Ball. But anyway, as soon as we told them, they took out their finest dresses and had us try them on. When they didn't fit, they went to their neighbors and borrowed dresses from them and brought us even more dresses to try on. More and more women started to crowd into the room to see us try the dresses on. Well, as it turns out, both Sheerah and I found dresses. We were planning on wearing a regular skirt and nice shirt, but I think we'll be more dressed up than we were at our proms. Plus, we're getting our hair and make-up done. I'll have to show you pictures, hehe.

Please continue to pray that we find ways to communiacte, that we bond with our new friends here.

Guess what I ate today!

I ate Tiramisu and had coffee. Nay, who is a missionary here, and a big part of Servants, took us to a Java Cafe after eating . Again, A LOT of yummy drinks/desserts on the menu. Nay will be taking Sheerah and I out once a week to talk with us and encourage us as we continue our stay here. I am looking forward to that time as it will be a time of fellowship and a time to "get away" and recharge. She told us about places where we can get cheap massages, facials, etc., and places where we can get Western food, and I will definitely keep those places in mind if I ever come across a rainy day. The rice breakfast isn't really working for us anymore, so we'll have to get jelly or some spreadable food to put on the bread that we get on some mornings. I hope I don't sound shallow in any of this, especially when comparing this entry with the previous day's entry about the rural poor. I was just discussing the importance of "self-care" today with Nay and Craig (her husband). It seems to be very necessary for me right now, especially when I feel (and am) so far from home. However, I do feel like an Israelite who is constantly complaining about the Manna. Now I think I can understand (and relate to) the Israelites' constant complaints when they were traveling through the desert.

On a different note...I was editing my Blog today (and gave Sheerah the link), and she pointed out to me that I had comments posted on the Blog. I totally missed that! So thanks to Alice B., Sarah, Cat, and Josh Williams <---don't know who he is! Keep posting comments! Love you all!

Quiet Day

Quiet day today...

Sheerah and I received the remaining immunizations at a clinic in the city. I HOPE they gave us the right shots. They only spoke Khmer and French, so my high school French was more helpful than I would have imagined. I thought I had forgotten most of it, but learned that I remembered enough to get by. But yes, I'm still not sure if they gave us the right shots. Oh, well. The Lord will protect us.

Other than that, nothing much is happening. I'm looking forward to lunch and dinner...we're dining with 2 missionary families; we told them NO RICE. And this morning our host family gave us noodles. Yey for noodles!

Please keep praying for us. We're getting really tired of being stared at and never really having enough space to breathe and feel like we fit in.

And pray that I plan my counseling lessons well, that I find the appropriate material needed and that I integrate it with my faith.

Sadness Takes Over...

Today we went on a picnic with all the HIV patients involved in our program. The ride to the mountain, our time there, and the ride back...all wonderful. I ate all sorts of interesting fruit, tried palm fruit, and ate a dung beetle. And I can go on talking about the monkeys we saw, and the refreshing breeze that completely rejuvenated me...but there's something else weighing on my heart.



(Above) Picture of (mostly) everyone halfway up the mountain. (Left) A group of people relaxing on large boulders...I am at far left. (Below) We were greeted by many hungry monkeys. The adult mokeys enjoyed eating from our hand, but the offspring were a bit timid.














We were getting ready to leave the picnic area when I noticed a little girl - probably not more than two-years old - completely naked, dirty, and alone. I soon realized that she had two little brothers - one naked, as well, and the other wearing a pair of red shorts so torn that one of his little butt cheeks was visible through the hole on the right side of his shorts. I soon realized that they were not part of our group, that they were probably from the area. I watched the little girl as she stumbled around with no supervision until she fell on her butt. She fell on a rock that, to me, looked sharp and that was surrounded by coarse gravel. She started to cry and her older brother (7, maybe?) picked her up and comforted her in the best way he knew how, mainly by holding her and rocking her until she stopped.

As I kept watching her I noticed that she had a wound on her right ear that was bleeding...or had blood on it. I went close to her and realized that the wound was infected - it had developed pus - and there were tiny little flies on her wound. My heart just broke. I wanted to pick her up, to wash her, to buy her a dress like little girls are supposed to wear, to comfort her. But I was surprised that my first reaction was to keep my distance because she might have lice, some disease, HIV...

Another lady that was with us approached her and her brothers and handed all three of them bananas. Her brothers quickly pealed their bananas, but she just held hers. That's when I decided to help her. I pealed the banana for her, and I could see, from the way she grabbed it when I gave it to her, that food was no longer a primary concern for her. Her stomach looked big...probably from starvation...but she was very tiny. She looked disoriented and frustrated, and her hair was a mess.

A lady that was with our group tried to help her eat her banana. I went to get a cup of water, I pulled out some toilet paper, and attempted to wash her wound as the lady cleaned off banana bits from her face. It was hard for me to clean her wound while trying to keep my hands from touching any of the dirt/blood/pus. Michael, another student who is staying here 6 months, told me that I had to add more force to clean it off well. I did that, and she began to cry. She soon stopped, but I was unable to clean her wound as well as I would have liked. I had no Band Aids, no alcohol strips. I just stared at her, helpless. And then someone gave her a styrofoam container with rice and meat and she and her brothers walked away. I watched them until they disappeared into the distance. I didn't want to take a picture, as the moment was too intense to pull out a camera. I didn't want to make them feel like they were on display...but I keep seeing her and her brothers, and I hope to never forget what I saw today. I don't know where all this fits in, it's something I'll have to give more thought to. As I learned later, most of Cambodia's poorest people live in rural areas and not urban. That would make sense why the family we're staying with is considered "middle class." And I thought the slums were bad...

I don't want to count days anymore

I woke up this morning feeling better about the mosquitoes. We bought that racquet I was talking about, and it seemed to kill the mosquitoes...that is, until it went dead. It is rechargeable, but I have this sneaking suspicion that it was used before and the rechargeable batteries are almost dead. I will give it a longer period to charge, and if it doesn't work, I plan on going back to the place that sold it to us.

So I'm a little cranky today.

Also, this morning I went to wash my face and my soap wasn't in the room where I had placed it. Sheerah said she had used it the previous night and thought that she might have forgotten it outside in the shower area. Of course, it was gone. I was so annoyed! It's just a Lever2000 soap that had pieces of dirt on it from being put on the ground. Why would anyone take it? I was frustrated by that, plus reminded of Sheerah's helmet being stolen, and then of this constant feeling I have of being watched. We're so different and I'm not used to that. I'm used to fitting in, to walking on the street and no one noticing.

I guess the other thing that really frustrated me was the following. I did my laundry a couple days ago. While it was drying outside, it started raining, so we brought it all inside and hung it up. Because of the humidity and intense heat, it took a little while to dry and now it all smells moldy. The shirt I'm wearing is a constant reminder of that...now I have to rewash it all.

Please continue to pray for me that I don't become too frustrated/irritated with little things. I don't want my strength to wear out, and I don't want to become Grumpy :) I miss home more and more,
aa

Up Until Day Seven

Hey friends! I couldn't access the blog yesterday, so today I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the things I was hoping to write about. This blog has become my journal, and I would love to add to it as much as possible, regardless if people read it or not.

Let's see. I left off by saying that I was going to the Genocide Museum. I was left completely speechless by the sights there. So many questions were stirred up within, and I can't wait to get some time to discuss it with other people. I would really love to talk about it with the Khmer people, but the language barrier is too challenging.

This is the Genocide Museum.

Once we got home we spent a lot of time with our host family just sitting outside with all the neighbors. They're mostly women and children (the men go to work), and they sit out and talk while selling various items. My host family is selling miniature watermelons so we get to eat a lot of them (sooo goood!). Sometimes I sit in silence and observe everyone around me, other times I flip frantically through a dictionary trying to communicate my thoughts/concerns. But I enjoy the silence - it's such a powerful way of communicating. You have to look at people's expressions, actions, nonverbals - it's so amazing!

This is our host grandma and a little baby I absolutely adore!

So that was Sunday. Yesterday (Monday) I went with a TASK team member to visit teens (and children) who abuse drugs (some of them are as young as 6 and 7). There's a drug here that they smoke, they sniff glue, and they inject some other drug that I am unfamiliar with. They are not educated, so they don't know the danger of sharing needles and the risks of contracting HIV. I also noticed that they have nothing to do - no purpose in life - and they need guidance. The same program offered other teens a small plot of land to grow their own fruits and vegetable, and those teens no longer abuse drugs. A lot of them want to learn English, and I might have to take over some of the days and teach them English, since other staff members here are overbooked.

I'm starting to grow very attached to the people here; even to the way of life. I called my own Moto today and negotiated a price. Actually, I didn't negotiate, I just told him what I would pay. They try to overcharge because I'm a foreigner, but I know what is too much. So I just keep throwing the same price at them until they take it. Yes, so I made it on my own, and I feel very confident in getting around. The Lord has truly given me an internal compass.

Oh, and today we had lunch and worship time with the staff here (foreigners only). Sheerah and I shared our stories with them, and we got a chance to bond and get to know everyone a little better. We then talked about our week and the areas in which we need prayer and prayed for one another. I also gained a better understanding of what I will be doing as far as counseling lessons go. I will teach counseling lessons to the staff that works with children who have lost their parents to AIDS. I'm very excited, and I am looking forward to preparing the lessons!

Ok, last thing, I promise. Today we went to visit another project (The Little Conquerors, or TLC) lead by TASK. It's a project aimed at helping children with disabilities. I spent most of my time there playing ball with a 12-year old boy named Chai (spelling) and holding a tiny baby who seemed to be severely malnutritioned - his legs were as thin as the width of two of my fingers. Anyway, I'm hoping to learn to pray for all the needs that I come into close contact with. Please keep praying for me!

p.s. one prayer has been answered - we got better (treated) mosquito nets and less bites. We're soon buying this tennis racquet that you swipe around and it electrocutes the mosquitoes, hehe. We're fighting back!

Day Five

Sok-sa-Bye-Day!
That's how you say, "How are you?" here. And you respond by saying, "Sok-sa-Bye."

Yesterday Sheerah and I met up with 3 other Wheaton students who are here with the Hunger Program (they're here for 6 months), with one American girl from California, and with another girl from Holland. We went to the Jars of Clay cafe (not affiliated with the band) and were very surprised to see that it was full of white people. I would say Americans, but not all of them were. It was somewhat strange to see so many white people in one spot after being surrounded by the people here. The menu was full of yummy things, and I ended up having two pieces of toast with butter and jam and two pancakes with syrup. It was really nice to have familiar food and no rice. They even had a normal toilet!!! I think I will go there more often.

After that we went to a market and I had fun negotiating with the sellers for cheaper prices. Not that the things were expensive, but you can always talk them down. When we were about to leave and called for a Moto, the guy wanted to charge us 4000 riels to take us back home (we had paid 2500 on the way there). I just simply said, "Aw, too much" and started walking away. He quickly dropped it to 2000, and then someone offered 1500. SOLD!

That reminds me. We saw a lot of beggars in that part of town, mostly women and children. We were told at the beginning of our stay here not to give money away because they all swarm you. I had forgotten that, so I gave a little money to this one kid and next thing I knew there were 5 bowls in front of me. I walked away, but I learned why it's dangerous to do that, esecially since we have so much money with us.

This morning we went to church and I felt very lost, but it was nice to see the way people worship here. They had a LOT of prayer throughout the service, and that was very inspiring to see. It reminded me of the importance and power of prayer and how, for people who aren't used to having everything provided for them on a daily basis, prayer becomes their only source of security. I hope that really sinks in before I go.

Today I am going to the Genocide Museum. I will tell you more about that later.

Please keep Sheerah and I in your prayers, especially about mosquito bites. I have over 15, and they're itching very badly, especially with my sensitive skin. I'm not really worried about diseases anymore, I just want to be able to sleep without worrying about the mosquitoes and without having to scratch all day.

Thinking of home,
aa

Days Three and Four

Hey friends!
It's Saturday and we get to relax. Yesterday went well, although I was repeatedly awakened the previous night by the wild dogs. Last night was the first night that I slept straight through, with the exception of awaking once to Sheerah moaning because her mosquito bites hurt her so bad. She's allergic so they all started to develop pus (I know, gross.) So I prayed for her and we went back to bed - I truly feel 100% dependent on God since the deet seems to be failing, the mosquito nets, etc. What's even more scary is that Sheerah killed a mosquito this morning that 1.) had our blood in it and 2.) was a striped mosquito, the type that transmits Dengue (pronounced Din-ghee) fever. Cambodians get it as children (similar to chicken pox), but newcomers can get very ill if they get it.

Yesterday morning we went to one of the centers to have devotions with the TASK team, which is made up of only Cambodians. "Servants for Asia's Urban Poor" started TASK in order to pass their work on to the Cambodian people and have them run the work here instead of foreigners. They sang and read Scripture in Khmai, and I couldn't help but feel a little lost. But we're starting to remember more faces and names (the names are very difficult), so that means that we'll have more friends soon :)

After I ate lunch, I went to the church (which is a minute away in the slum community), and I sat on the patio and just enjoyed the breeze. I could see people in the field gathering some sort of green-leafed plant, which they use to cook with. It was such a sight...I'll have to show you pictures when I return. We then spent some time with the neighborhood women in front of our home. They're all very open and friendly. I haven't seen anyone look sad so far. I was actually thinking about that, that since I've been here I haven't seen anyone cry or be sad. They all laugh and play and joke...being disattached from earthly possessions sure must help. Everything is so different here.

I'll end this soon, but I just wanted to mention that showers here are a very communal event. You take a shower outside in this little space that is enclosed by bricks...you have a special shower dress that you wear, but people pass by all the time. Yesterday when we were taking a shower (Sheerah and I go together because we're scared of everything) these little kids were watching us most of the time. We felt very vulnerable, hehe, and slightly annoyed.

And, lastly, we were trying to catch a GIANT cockroach in our room this morning. We had to remain calm, but it was very hard. It's this long _______________, and this wide _________. And BROWN. Groooooooooooosssss!!!!

Please continue to keep us in your prayers, more specifically that we're able to develop relationships, let go of our inhibitions, and just take it all in. Also pray for our protection against bug bites and infectious diseases.

Backtracking - Day Two

So the evening continued to go well. We were bombarded by people who were helping us pronounce some of the Vocab words we had in our packet. We were tired by 7pm...that's when our host family prepared us our first meal. We had rice with a side of purple coconut potato soup which we put over the rice. There was some pork in the soup and also an omelet (only the eggs) on the side and tiny melons. Everything was really good and tasty.

We then went into our room where we had some time to ourselves before falling asleep. It was very hot and we were concerned about the mosquitoes, so we made sure to put enough deet on our skin and spray the nets with prometherin (a spray made especially for clothing.) I went to bed at about 9pm and woke up at 10pm, thinking it was about 3am. I was shocked to see that it was only 10. A child next door had a toothache so he cried for what seemed to be a long time. I could hear a lady singing karaoke in the distance, children still playing out, and people getting ready for bed.

At some point in the night when I awakened again, everything was silent...and somewhat eerie. Later I woke up to the sound of Sheerah going, "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" I was instantly alarmed, and I asked her what was wrong. She thought there was something crawling on her mosquito net (which is elevated about 4 feet above the mattress and doesn't come into contact with the body.) I had a tiny flashlight and somehow gathered enough courage to turn it on. I really would have like to go back to sleep rather than see whatever she was hearing. There was nothing on her net, but I immediately saw the shape/shadow of a large animal crawling on one of the planks in the ceiling. I don't remember ever being so terrified. I felt my hands shaking, but I was trying to remain calm for Sheerah - and MYSELF - so I was relieved when I heard the host grandmother at the door. Of course, our door was locked, so in order for help to come in I had to face the danger by exiting the safety of the net, going behind a curtain, and unlocking the door. I managed to do this, and seeing the grandmother helped to calm me down...even though she doesn't speak English at all. She tried to explain to us that it was a cat, but I'm still skeptical. After sharing our story with others today we heard that, most likely, it was a cat, but chances are it could have been a rat. Ah!!! And, not to mention the giant cockroaches in the bathroom!

What else? Today we toured the facilities for Servant Partners. I will teach counseling lessons to the staff here approx. 2 times a week, 2-3 hours each lesson. I am a bit overwhelmed, but the Lord will provide me with the material I need. I brought two books with me from the US so I should be ok material wise. Putting it all together will be the challenging part.

Sheerah and I also bought Moto helmets today. It's really funny because we walk around with them in our hands so I constantly feel like I'm looking for my Harley or Kawasaki that I parked around the corner. We were able to get on this...wagon type mode of transportation by ourselves and tell the man in Khamer (the language spoken here) where to stop. We also purchased a cold coke and a bottle of water (I got the coke, of course) all by ourselves. As I was walking away with my bottle, the man kept trying to tell me something; I couldn't understand, until I figured out that he needs the glass bottle back. So I drank it there, hehe.

Well, I'll cut this short. It's 11:19am and it feels like 3pm. Everyone wakes up between 5:45am and 6:30am. We woke up at 5:45, and it just seems like it's been a long day...well, it has. We're told that naps are familiar to the people here as they rest between 12-2 each day. I love naps.
Continue to keep me in your prayers! I miss home A LOT.aa

Backtracking - Day One

Hello Friends and Family!
It is 1:59pm on Wednesday in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, exactly 12 hours ahead of Chicago time. I arrived just a few hours ago in the slums of Cambodia after three flights. I flew from Chicago to LA, from LA to Taipei, Taiwan (where I stayed overnight at a very nice hotel), and then from Taiwan to here. Other than slight complications with language barriers and currency, Sheerah (my team mate) and I have been ok. We arrived here at noon today "on an unusually hot day." My shirt is soaked with sweat (I know, gross) and I have given up any hope for a shower. I definitely brought too many changes of clothes...as it looks at this time, I will probably end up wearing the same thing for a few days in a row. I lost any desire for fashion, as I see how poor these people are around me.
For example, we're staying with a widow, her mom, and her three daughters. They rent two rooms...Sheerah and I will be in one, and the 5 of them in the other. I already thought about giving a lot of my clothes away, but I will wait a few more days or weeks when I'm not being affected by the culture shock (and the heat?). At this time I'm ready to give money away left and right, but as we're advised, that's not the best idea.
So a little about Cambodia. The streets are crowded with little scooters. Everyone is riding them, and if there's no barrier in the middle of the road, people drive all crazy on both sides of the road. At intersections without stop lights "motos" comes from all four directions and slightly slow down, swerve, and BARELY miss one another. It's kinda fun to watch, but scary to be around. We'll have to buy helmets to ride on them as accidents occur frequently. There are shops everywhere with all sorts of things...melons, coconuts (they look green, not brown), drinks, food, snacks, etc. It's so exciting! They use US $ for mostly everything (although they have their own currency...Reils). To use the internet for one hour I am paying $1, and to buy 8 water bottles, I paid $1.20.
How am I doing emotionally? Well, I had the following thought a few times: "I like it here, but I miss home already." We'll see how that changes over the next 6 weeks.
I must go for now, but I'll keep you all updated. Feel free to write me back, but try to keep the emails relatively short as I would like to have time to read/reply to all your emails when I am here.
God Bless, aa

What a great idea!

Hey friends! I was given the great idea of starting a blog so here it is. I will post messages here about my stay here in Phnom Penh. If you're interested, please read away :)